There's nothing like a big nasty flashback to really put me off my day. Or week. I believed (probably naively) that I was ever-so done with that phase of my existence. People who experience them know exactly what I'm talking about, but most people who've never had a flashback really don't get what the big deal is. They've got to be wondering if it's anything like a bad dream -- and if so, just shake it off already. Well, you can experience a flashback in a nightmare, but the kind I'm talking about hits you full on when you're completely awake and not looking for trouble.

A flashback means "you are there" unwillingly immersed back in the situation which created the trauma. You can know in your heart that it's not real, and still be terrified. Sometimes you don't know whether it's real or not. You're in the middle of this terrible thing again, out of control, and not sure if you will survive it. It might have been brought on by a word, a song, a smell, a sound, a scene from a movie that anyone else would find harmless. It might seem to have no origin at all, especially if you aren't aware of all that the original trauma represented. And it might come back often enough to make you feel haunted and crazy.

Flashbacks aren't exclusive to abuse survivors. War veterans, plane crash survivors, victims of violent crimes, and rescue personnel can all experience flashbacks. They are a component of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and a real phenomenon, widely documented. Most importantly: you are not crazy, even though it sure feels like it.

A flashback can take on a life of its own if you ignore it, squelch it, deny it, or fight it. But what's the alternative when you're terrified, and you really, really just want it to stop? Paradoxically, it stops with acknowledgment of what you see and feel. It stops with acceptance that it means something unique about you, and that you need to learn more about it. It stops with a bundle of courage that is sometimes hard to gather. For me, nothing has been more effective in pursuing that alternative than writing about my flashbacks, openly and honestly.

Certainly, I am far less prone to flashbacks than when I began this journey. That's a direct product of dealing with them head-on during years of good therapy and intense writing. But I'm not immune, and I can't say I'm done with them, especially since the one I experienced last week pretty much leveled me for a few days. They used to level me for weeks. I now have the tools -- and much needed perspective -- by which to cope when a flashback sneaks up on me.

No one ever said it would be easy. It's never been easy. But it's so much better -- and possible -- to live freely, without the constant, crippling fear that unresolved flashbacks represent. I cherish that possibility; I do anything I can to nurture it. I've survived this before; I'll survive it again; and I'll emerge on the other side more self-confident, more self-aware, and that much more trusting in my own strengths and abilities. Acknowledgement, acceptance, and courage. It works.